


The depths of one’s guilt

by homosexualspawnofsatan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Other, tw; angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 06:59:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11270382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homosexualspawnofsatan/pseuds/homosexualspawnofsatan
Summary: Eren finally learns the truth to how Marco died, and on top of all the other deaths he feels that are his fault. He finally snaps and retreats to an open area alone to cry about it and feel sorry for himself. What happens when the ghost of Marco confronts him?





	The depths of one’s guilt

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't my first rodeo with a one shot, but is my first ever work here on archiveofourown, I do hope you all enjoy it.

Everyone had surrounded Armin. The blond had just eaten Bertholdt and obtained the power of, presumably, the Colossal Titan. At least so logic would stand to reason. Eren ran right to him, hugging Armin’s body near his. He couldn’t believe this had happened. His best friend in the world, had almost died. Thankfully Levi had gotten some titan serum into him, at the cost of commander Erwin Smith’s life. So many people where surrounding Armin as they waited for the blond to wake. They wanted to know exactly how it felt to become a titan shifter, and what he remembered from the events leading up to it. Would he remember anything at all?

Everyone jumped when Armin suddenly woke up all panicky. He thrashed about as if in some sort of danger. It took both Eren and Mikasa to finally calm him down and get him into a sitting position. He sat there with a look of complete and total horror on his face. As if he had witnessed a life time of atrocities within the last few minutes alone. Eren was completely and totally shocked by all of this. And he wasn’t the only one, Jean’s face grew paler by second, especially after the horrible revelation about how Marco died.

The poor boy had overheard Reiner and Bertholdt talking about how Bertholt had done a good job at kicking the wall down. They tried to pass it off as a joke, but the freckled male hadn’t bought it. They stole his three d maneuver gear and left him for dead. After hearing that, both Eren and Jean shot off in opposite directions, tears streaming down their cheeks. Neither seemed to intend to return to the group at any point.

“Eren! Jean!” Armin and Connie yelled simultaneously, preparing to shoot off after them in pursuit of their angered and sorrowed comrades. They where not about to let them be devoured by the titans in a weakened emotional state. 

Levi stepped in front of them. “Enough both of you, Eren and Jean are big boys. They can take care of themselves, They need time, not pity and people telling them not to mourn or trying to keep them from being human. They both have excellent awareness, leave them be for now.” The boys didn’t protest. They knew Levi had a point. Eren and Jean had always been more independent, but nobody had seen Eren actually legitimately cry out of anything other than anger before, and those sure as hell didn’t look like angry tears. 

The brunet landed on a roof, alone thankfully. He now allowed sobs to accompany those tears. He was feeling a mix of emotions. Anger, fear, hatred, sorrow, guilt, and several others he could not quite describe even if he tried.

“Damn it! If only I hadn’t lost control of my titan form, if only I had been stronger, or quicker, if only I had not been so careless I could have prevented his death! He would be safe with the MP right now!” Eren yelled pounding his fist to the roof tears rolling faster with more sobs between.

He started to get a familiar feeling in his stomach, working it’s way up to his throat. “Oh god, not now, any time but now.” He thought as he tried to hold it back.

His tears, however, had other and quite different plans for Eren, and they definitely where not what he wanted. He went to sob, but it turned into a heave. And out it came.

The vile, disgusting, offensive taste of his own vomit filled his mouth. He coughed between moments, tears still flowing hot, with some sort of emotion which he could not describe with his own limited vocabulary, darn his bad eye site and lack of time to actually study. He wished he could describe this, despite the vile taste in his mouth and the constant pain of pushing the vomit out of his system.

He was relieved when that torture finally came to an end. His tears kept rolling, an d he sobbed, the after taste was unbearable, it only made this memory worse. He was now thinking back to every one that had died because of him.

“Mom, I was to weak to move the wood piece. Thomas Wagner, Mina Carolina, Mylius Zeramuski, and Nac Tias, I led them to their deaths with my terrible leadership. Petra Ral, Eld Jinn, Gunter Schultz, and Olou Bozado, I killed them with my indecisiveness. And now I know, Marco Bodt, I killed with my lack of control.” His thoughts echoed as he continued to cry and sob, another dry heave and more vomit came out, just chemicals this time, he had nothing left in his stomach to push out.

He managed to stop again, still sobbing, and barely able to keep his body from collapsing down into his own vomit. The scene really looked quite grotesque, there where tears dropping into the vomit Eren was almost laying face first in, and there was mucus leaking out of his nose, running down his face, dripping from his chin to the roof. Almost as if he where a walking bag of contamination he was releasing every disgusting nose and mouth fluid known to man. Ironic, as he hadn’t ever gotten sick since before he joined the cadet corps, probably thanks to the effects of the titan serum on his body.

“Oh quite it Eren. That is more than enough, on top of making a mess, you look like a mess.” A familiar voice sounded behind him, causing him to freeze up. He processed the sound of the voice, it took a few moments, but he turned around, his face looked like hell, it was disgusting, eyes red from crying, mucus on it, vomit had splashed onto his cheeks. “Clean your face up while you are at it.” The person standing before him continued.

Eren wiped his face as instructed, not like his clothes had feelings, but his eyes where glued to the face standing above. “N-No….it….it isn’t possible…..y-you can’t be here……Y-You died back in Trost.” Eren thought, but was unable to speak. He looked at that face, a face that he could never get out of his memory, not that he would ever want to forget it.

“M-Marco!” Eren ran at the freckled male to hug him. Maybe this was all just a horrible nightmare, maybe he would wake up and be in his barracks, with Thomas, Armin, and Marco trying to wake him up for combat training, something which was the only thing he was the best in, but was always late for it. Then, he went right through the freckled male. 

Marco sighed. “Eren, I am happy to see you too, but unfortunately you cannot hug a ghost. It is most impossible. I am not made of hard material anymore. I was bitten in half in Trost remember?”

Eren felt his eyes water again. “I know, I just got hopeful that somehow this had all been a horrible nightmare, and that it would end very soon. I guess I have no such luck.”

Marco had a hard facial expression, something that appeared almost foreign to Eren. Then the ghost spoke again. “Eren, do you have any clue why I am here? Any clue what I have to say to you?” 

Eren’s knees started to knock together. Fear was evident in his eyes, and tears started to roll again. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose control Marco. I know you should be here, just like my mother, just like Thomas, Mina, Mylius, Nac, Petra, Eld, Gunter, and Olou. I’m sorry. You deserved better than what you got. You all did.” He whimpered.

“Eren, shut up.” Marco gave him a harsh look. “My death is not even a fraction of why I am here.” The freckled ghost had another purpose entirely for this little surprise visit. Which of course left Eren wondering what this blast from the past meant. It was a few moments of a silence before the void would once again be filled. “Eren, I am here because of what you said, taking the weight of those deaths, including my own on your shoulders. It isn’t healthy, it will harm you, not help you.”

Eren had only a broken, defeated look in his eyes. As if he had given up a fight on his inside a long time ago and just accepted it. “But they are my fault Marco. My mom died because that would plank, and my inability to move it. Thomas, Mina, Mylius, and Nac died because I led them right to the slaughter like lambs. You died because I could not control my titan form. Petra, Eld, Gunter, and Olou all died because of my indecisiveness, it is very much so my fault Marco.” The answer was almost….rehearsed, as if he had practiced saying this before. 

“Eren that is not it at all!” Was the snappy reply from the freckled ghost. How could Eren think like this?

“It is Marco! I could have saved all of them. If I had just been stronger, smarter, faster, smarter….”

Marco could only feel frustration as Eren said this. “Eren that is only partially true, is it possible you could have saved us in that case? Yes, but you’ll never know now! Stop living in what if.”

Eren shook his head. “I would have! There is no way I wouldn’t have!”

Marco closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had hoped not to take this. “Okay Eren, I will tell you what I really think, are you sure you want to hear it?”

The titan shifter’s eyes said no, but his mouth wished to tell a different story. “Yes, please Marco. I need to know.”

The ghost’s expression suddenly changed, and became dark. “I do think it is all your fault Eren. Tell me Eren, why did I have to die? Why did I have to die instead of you? Why did your squad have to die for you Eren? Why did your mom have to die for you? Why couldn’t you just give in and die? Why did so many others have to take or your place? Why couldn’t you have just stayed dead? Why did so many have to die trying to help you?”

Eren felt tears rolling faster now. So this was how Marco really felt…..at least he was being honest, even if it was brutally so.

The expression became harsher as the fallen freckled cadet continued. “I think you are the worst kind of person Eren, a coward that fakes bravery. I was one too, the difference is I didn’t let people die for me, or lead people to death senselessly. If I am being honest, I hate you Eren Yeager.”

Eren was bawling at this point. Once again he was a total mess. “Why would you say that? Marco, please, please, please, please, please don’t hate me!” He pleaded with the freckled angel? Ghost? What ever the heck he was now.

The ghost face palmed. Of course, Eren was not all that bright, he should have known that reverse psychology would never work with Eren. This was a stupid mistake that he could not afford to repeat.

“No Eren, I did not mean that. I am sorry. I was just trying to get you to see how stupid you sound. I promise I don’t hate you.” The freckled one tried to console the shifter as he started to fade.

“I don’t have much time left, I should have told you sooner, but here, this is a message, from all of us. Dwelling on the what ifs was never meant to be done, please, for all of us, especially your mother, try to stop blaming yourself for our deaths.” Marco pleaded.

“I-I will.” Eren said tears rolling down his cheeks again. He would ask for more time, or to see his mother, but that would be selfish of him. They where supposed to be resting for a reason, their time in hell was over, so now they got to sleep in the stars.

Soon the ghost was gone, as if it had never been there. All that stood on that roof now, was Eren Yeager, staring at the sky as the rain came to wash away the filth his fit had left behind, and washing away all evidence that Eren had ever been crying, or that he talked to anyone.


End file.
